Re-working the Self

Ok. So sometimes life directs you to go somewhere you didn't think you were going.  As opposed to doing a film, I did an off-broadway show. And am now continuing to write a piece for stage, I haven't written-off film, its just not seeming to work out right now. In all this writing its come to my attention that I write dialogue quite well, but I'm always alone in the pursuit, not talking. It seems to be paradoxical, and it kind of makes you feel like you're going insane. 

     The other thing this has made me realize is that, it is the way I live my life.  I say dialogue and i don't take into consideration the effect it will have. I don't do things with malice, yet the things I do are malicious.  I cast out joking barbs, without counter-balancing them. There has been a lot happening recently that has got me thinking, and convinced me for good reason , that I need to change my entire life approach because my behavior, my lack of seeing things in totality, from all angles, takes a toll on other people, also, I can never hope to be a good writer if this is the case. (Do i hope to be a writer? i thought i was just doing it.....).

         I've been hit on the head hard enough to know, now, that I must make these changes. That I must be ever-conscious. It seems like such a responsibility. But I'm glad to accept it. 

      It's incredibly difficult not to hold what you love in your hand. You have to let it do what its functioned to do, even if it seems to ignore you. Because the truth is it's not ignoring you, it's respecting, equally, the space you gave it. You can pick it up, as long as it has time to rest. Otherwise, you'll grow tired yourself.  

          how can such a sad empty feeling give way and  have such optimism in it?